To feel or not to feel. That is the question.

In 2019, when I was going through my divorce, I had some tickets to see Jose Gonzales in concert in Chicago. It was one of the last gifts that my ex had given me before we broke up and I had been toying with whether to go because it was such a magical gift and that made it quite painful to go by myself.

But Jose is one of those artists that has been with me through all the things.

He legit sang to me while I was going through my breakdown when I was 18. I had this version of Cycling Trivialities that I had repeating on infinitelooper.com for months while I was doing practice A Level papers at home (I actually listened to this version so much that it sounded weird to me if it didn’t have the sound of the tape at the beginning).

He was present when I locked myself in my room after my panic attack during Freshers week, literally drawing Crosses as I listened to his song by the same name. I still have that drawing on my wall. Well, when I had walls. Now it’s frameless and stuck to the RV like wallpaper.

He was also when I was really struggling with my health anxiety during COVID and wasn’t sure how I was going to step out into the world again. I remember him releasing his song “Head On” gave me the strength I needed to book my first flights home.

His music has been the soundtrack to some of the toughest times of my life. So much comfort and compassion were written into his lyrics. I knew every word.

I mean, I couldn’t not go.

So on my way back from England, I stayed at my favorite hotel in Chicago and walked to the event. It was just a few blocks down the road and I (of course) arrived far too early.

The seats were in a box. It was just me, and it felt really fitting actually. To have those barriers between me and the audience. His music and I were on one-to-one terms already, and it felt like true permission to feel. So before the lights even went down, I already had tears streaming down my cheeks and honestly, it turned out to be one of my absolute favorite experiences of all time.

Every other concert I’d been to had been with someone else. This was the first time I was able to be fully present in my body for live music. Music that had healed me time and time again. So I put my phone away (only breaking it out to secretly record my favorite verse of Cycling Trivialities of course) and listened.

As I reflected on my decision, I realized that I wasn’t really asking myself whether I wanted to go to a concert alone. Instead, my decision was about whether tor not I wanted to feel or not to feel in that moment. The relief of hearing his music. The pain from my divorce. The fear of what the next chapter held for me. Saying hey to te younger versions of myself who were all comforted by his music. There was a lot there to process.

As a culture, we are one of the most numbed out generations of our time. Whether that’s video games, drugs, alcohol etc. We choose not to feel because feeling feels too hard. But I guess ultimately, it’s about

Don't you know that
I'll be around to guide you?
Through your weakest moments
To leave them behind you
Returning nightmares
Only shadows

We'll cast some light and you'll be alright.

Taking Action To Feel The Way We Want To Feel This Summer

I have some really dear friends, let’s call them Sophie and Alex, who are doing this really intense challenge. It’s called 75 Strong and requires 2x workouts a day, 1 gallon of water, progress photos, no alcohol (in Wisconsin), daily reading and all kinds of other things. As a highly sensitive mental health warrior, I’m someone who has really struggled with challenges like this before because I know my nervous system cannot support this kind of intensity over long periods of time. It just can’t. Like, I went to a Tony Robbins conference and the last day I was there (after multiple days of 4 hours sleep, intense learning/dancing and walking on hot coals) I was pretty poorly and in a ton of physical pain. I knew then, that the “go hard” mentality wasn’t for me. It’s legitimately not a choice. My body will actually shut down and my mental health will follow.

However, when Sophie and Alex started this challenge, I found myself feeling inspired. Not because I necessarily wanted to live up to what they were doing (these guys are the natural outdoorsy people who like to climb 15 footers for fun) but I was craving some kind of structure and routine in my life. And to be around people who were generally trying to challenge themselves, and seeing them jump in for the long-term gains, even when they weren’t necessarily super excited to get started, it made me question what I could actively be doing to contribute to my own happiness. To feel strong. To feel fulfilled. To feel inspired. To start feeling like myself again.

You see, the last 6 months have truly been full of so much upheaval. Mourning friendships, changing roles, being in crisis in so many ways, losing my home and facing old demons. I’m honestly so proud of myself for what I’ve come through and in the way I’ve done it. Instead of falling apart, I sought out difference solutions. Instead of depending on anyone else for a way out, I found the things that made me truly feel better.

But now? I feel more like myself then I have in years. I feel calm. I feel focused. I feel ready for a fresh start. I feel determined and fired up. I feel like me. And so I felt it was time for a bit more of a challenge. But like, not the 75 Strong. My own version. One that supported my nervous system, contributed to my continued healing and made me feel good about myself day to day.

To get started, I asked myself 3 questions.

1. What are the practices were that make me feel most like myself? The things I can do to return to myself when life feels chaotic (because let’s be real, it’s going to continue to happen).

2. What basic, simple practices fall off my radar when my mental health is not taking priority?

3. Is there something else I can add that will take me to the next level?

My list? Looking at the first couple of words, it might seem like a general “self-care” laundry list. But I invite you to read deeper to see how I’m tailoring this to my own nervous system and what I feel like is sustainable over time. It looks like this…

• Whiten teeth - because I love the process and having white teeth. Plus you can get the strips from Target for like $20.

• Drink lots of water - I don’t have a specific amount, but the idea is to have water on me all day, and at the end of the day see if I feel dehydrated or nourished. There’s some intuition there, but usually, if I stop to think about it, I can tell.

• My face routine - but this is the yummy stuff. I workout a lottttt so I shower all the time BUT I have these beautiful oils and an incredible natural skincare products so it’s making sure to give myself a little treat at night. Whenever I do, I feel so so much better.

• Workout every day - I’m someone who usually works out 3-4 times a week. I LOVE my dancing, but committing to every day feels so good AND overwhelming AND it’s contingent on my mental health, so there is absolutely some flexibility here. 12 days in though? I’m feeling really good! I’m increasing stamina, working my schedule to fit around it, ONLY doing workouts I know I love, trying something more gentle or brand new. It’s a fun way to think about it. I think I’ve missed 2 days out of 12 so far, one because I was injured, so I’m a happy lady.

• Reading - I really loved this part of 75 Strong and know that when I read, I feel more inspired. It makes me more creative and reinforces my want to improve on every level. I love learning from those who have walked different paths so this is absolutely a practice that makes me feel more like myself. I kept this practice as it was in the original challenge. At least 10 pages a day. And I’m waking up early every morning to do it. I do not open my laptop until that is done. So far, I’m through one whole book and I’m thrilled about it!

• Journaling - I wanna redefine this practice. I’m not a typical journal-er. I don’t love a stream of consciousness running through the pages all the time, because my brain is not always the kindest place to be. However, I do love tracking my inspiration, my creativity, my card pulls, my lessons from therapy, bullet journaling good things in my day, quotes from books. There are so many other ways to journal. I do put in my struggles too and processing things I’m learning about myself along the way. The point is, make is YOURS. Make it something that fills you up. I don’t want you to dread opening those pages.

• Stretch/breathe/meditate - This is a final small add on if my body is hurting. I also count my neck massager in this, stretching my foot out if my knee hurts. My yoga for anxiety practice or alternate breathing. Or if I’m struggling to sleep, my Feel Good app by Deliciously Ella has made a huge difference as well.

These things seem so obvious, but when you dive deeper into each one, what we’re really doing is taking action to feel the way we want to feel, and because of that, it’s so important to make a challenge like this your own. Make it things that fill you up and in a way that makes you happy. Remember that there is value in both a mix of immediate and long-term gratification. Forgive yourself if you need a day off. But keep returning. Track it. Sophie put 75 post-its on a big white sheet of paper so she can rip it off each day. I spent my time drawing 75 boxes for each activity (don’t be me unless it feels good lol) so I can tick it off when I go to journal. PLUS I can carry it around if I decide to take off somewhere.

There’s so much within the outside world which is outside of our control. So this is your invtation to find what feels good for you and your nervous system and have fun with it.

The love you give yourself, is the most important love you’ll ever have.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that no matter how far gone you think you are. No matter how alone. No matter how broken you feel. There is a way back. To yourself. To healing. To life. To love.

Two years ago, this day was incredibly painful for me. It had been for some time, even though things on the outside didn’t appear that way.

I reached a tipping point.
I didn’t have anything left.

And somehow, someway, I chose myself.
I chose to start finding space in my life to love myself again.
I took a leap of faith. Although in reality that was a tiny, tiny step.
And although the road was long and windy, I will forever find gratitude for February 14th, 2019.

I see you, warrior.
Don’t give up.
Choose you.
Choose light.
Choose love.
Because that true love, the love you give yourself, is the most important love you’ll ever have.

You are not a burden.

A couple of years ago, someone I loved told me that I was a burden. That my mental health was a burden. That I was "too emotional"...⁠
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And at the time, I believed them. ⁠
⁠
Through therapy, I learned that this was far from the truth and actually, I was just telling my story in an unsafe place and to someone undeserving of my vulnerability.⁠
⁠
Mental health stigma exists at all levels. ⁠
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👉 Institutionally, with medical doctors who aren't trained in mental health best practices.
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👉 Relationally, with others not understanding or having conversations about what mental health actually is. ⁠
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👉 Internally, with us thinking that having a mental illness means we are broken. ⁠
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It's this stigma that makes us feel like a burden when we need help.⁠
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But we're not a burden. ⁠
We are human. ⁠
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Feeling emotion, is human. ⁠
Searching for healing, is human. ⁠
Hurting, is human. ⁠
Needing support, is human.⁠
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When I realized that the situation I was in was an unsafe space for me to experience and express my mental health, I left, and now? My world is now full of safe spaces and safe people, and I want that for you too. ⁠
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That's why I'm here. Telling my story in a bit of a shakier space. Trying to destroy mental health stigma. So we can all have open conversations about our mental health and start creating lives that actually feel good! ⁠Communication and community is such an important part of that process.

So let's start with community. I will be sending out my first newsletter in November. This newsletter will be a place for us to exhale. To find peace and tools in our day to day that help us feel grounded and supported. Make sure to join my mailing list in my bio if you’d like to have a read.

If you're feeling like a burden, I want you to know you're not. I am here. I understand what you're going through. And I want you to know that there are accepting and loving spaces and tools out there for you, and you deserve to find them. ⁠
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Because you, my lovely, are not a burden.⁠
You are human. ⁠

Popcorn kernels and other fun facts.

In the podcast, and over the past few years in my activism, you have gotten to know ALL the things about my journey with mental health, so I wanted to share a few random things you may NOT already know!

I love to eat the popcorn kernels left at the end of the bag, especially if they are like, half popped. I’m not sorry.

My favorite movies are Lord of the Rings and Interstellar. Epics spanning a long period of time, great character development, an in-depth story line and some form of sci-fi/fantasy are usually a win for me! Avatar is up there too.

I studied politics, nuclear policy and terrorism at university. I wrote my dissertation on 9/11 and Al Qaeda. I was determined to understand what the heck happened from the moment I saw it on the TV and realized that the world was so much more complex then I had realized.

I have 7 tattoos. Most of them are on my forearms, but I have a big abstract weeping buddha on my arm which is my absolute fave.

My favorite place on this earth is Chatsworth House in the UK. For me, people feel like home most of the time. Chatsworth is the one place that feels like home home. I went there to make every major life decision growing up. (This isn’t a real home... just a place I spent a lot of time growing up… although I would love to live in Pemberly 😉). @chatsworthofficial

I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Both completely mess with my body. 95% of the time, I drink non-flavored sparkling water. It’s my fave!

So there’s a few things you might not have known. Tell me something completely random about you!

Buy yourself the flowers!

“That is when I began buying myself flowers. I thought, if this act is so wonderful when done for others, why can’t I do that for myself?"⁠

Have you ever bought flowers for yourself? (Comment with a 🖐️ if you have!)⁠
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This quote from one of my favorite stories in the Vault on my website and I adore it because it's such a simple concept, and yet the road to radical self love starts with a simple step. ⁠
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Maybe it's a bouquet of flowers. ⁠
Maybe it's a massage.
Maybe it's a bubble bath.
Maybe it's indulging in an ep of your favorite TV show.
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What one thing could you do for yourself this week?

What if I didn't have my phobia?

What if I didn’t have my phobia?

Occasionally, very occasionally, this sentence pops into my mind. Usually when I’m tired, or nostalgic. When things feel dark. And I wonder, what if?

What if I didn’t have my phobia?
What if I never had my breakdown?
Would university have been more fun?
Would I have traveled more?
Would I have been brave enough to walk away sooner?

And then I remember the magic.

I’ve learnt how to notice when words get caught in my throat. When I need an outlet to process the emotions my body is holding.

I’ve discovered what it means to have a passion. A purpose. Something I stay up at night to ponder and a mission that I truly live for.

I’ve taken leaps of faith and truly lived my life. WITH my phobia. WITH anxiety. That they are usually now gentle whispers who remind me to take care of myself but when they yell, you’d best believe I’ll listen.

And I’m reminded, that there’s so much magic stemming from the darkness.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Your mental health diagnosis does not mean your dreams are no longer available to you.

So don’t give up.

You’ll find your magic.

Just give it time.

What’s one piece of magic that’s come from your tougher times?

Tell me in the comments! 👇👇👇👇👇

On healing past selves. Thank you therapy.

Every day, always, you are carrying around past versions of yourself.

You know what’s beautiful about that? The newer versions, the ones who found a new path, can speak to the older, more vulnerable versions when they appear and help heal them, reassure them and let them know that they can rest.

I am carrying the 25 year old married Maddie who was told she is “too emotional” and “broken”.

And now? I’m the person who left a bad situation, who is more sure of herself than ever before and holds compassion for every part of who she is.

So whenever old Maddie pops up, doubting herself or questioning if she’s “too emotional”, current me can be there to reassure her.

It goes something like this…

“Oh my god, it’s happening again. I’m too emotional. It’s going to be too much for [X]!”

“I know you’ve been hurt before, but remember: Your strength is in your sensitivity. Your emotional awareness is your superpower. Being a Highly Sensitive Person means that you notice subtleties others don’t see. And if someone truly loves you, these things will be treasured by them. Rest. I got this.”

And then it’s over. She rests. We go on. We heal.

Thank you therapy.
Thank you therapy.
Thank you therapy.

You don't need to apologize for needing space and rest.

Yesterday there was no walk.
No yoga.
No breathing drills.
No belly breaths.
I ate a lot of chocolate.
I didn’t respond to people.
I canceled my appointment.
I didn’t get to all my work.

All these things... it’s a habit to want to apologize for them. It’s part of being high functioning and an over achiever. But as much as I want to, I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to make up for them.

Sometimes, rest isn’t enough.
Sometimes space is what’s needed.
And there’s no need to apologize for that.

The truth we see. The truth we don't.

You don’t know the full picture when you look at me.

On the left, I was fresh out of the emergency room because of my anxiety, trying to process my trauma and failing to understand what I could do to heal. I couldn’t hide what was happening.

On the right, I was fresh out of a week’s struggle with a depressive episode. Crying daily. A brief moment of relief between long periods where I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

My path means I now have more ups than downs, but just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

You don’t know the full picture when you look at ANYONE. And we’re so quick to pass judgement, especially on platforms like Instagram.

That’s why it’s so important to show the glimpse behind the images.

Holding space for you and your journey always 🙏😘

The emotions that show up on hard days.

Music is my passion. I grew up in a musical household, I’ve written music myself my whole life, and most recently it’s got me through some really rough times. We’re often drawn to music that meets us where we are and use it as a comfort that walks alongside us… But what if we used it as a guiding hand to pull us out of an emotion when we’re walking through the darker days?

In my stories today, I did my mental health check-in as always, but this time I asked people to respond with one word that explained how they were feeling so they could start getting acquainted with what that emotion is.

There are 3 main emotions that crop up for me on hard days:
Loneliness, fear and unworthiness.

Instead of listening to music that meets me in that emotion, I create playlists that reflect the messages that my family, therapist or friends would say to me if they were here.

- You are supported.
- You are not alone.
- It’s ok to have a bad day.
- You are worthy of healing.

Today, I’m listening to Hand of God by Jon Bellion. Now I’m not a religious person, but this song is one of the most uplifting I’ve ever heard and it reminds me of something that one of my favorite people would say to me if she were here. That goes such a long way in helping me feel less alone, guiding me towards the light.

What song would be in your curated playlist today?

——

“When you’re lost in the universe, don’t lose faith. My mother said, “your whole life’s in the hands of God”.

Throwback picture by @frakcha 💕

Tiptoeing towards healing is ok too.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I wanted to give you a gentle reminder that tiptoeing towards healing is valid too.

Reading a story of recovery.
Researching what therapy is.
Considering booking an appointment. Noticing what’s happening in your body.

One small step is where we all begin.

Someone messaged me today and said “You are seen and you are loved.” And I wanted to pass that along. However you move towards healing. Your path is valid. 🙏

Surprising body wins (diet culture dropout edition!)

Surprising body wins (diet culture dropout edition!) 🙏

It’s been a month since I decided to ditch diet culture and start listening to the areas of my body that were screaming for some help. And you guys, it’s making a difference. Here’s where I started…

👉I found it hard to breathe. I was recently diagnosed with asthma, had increasing anxiety, and found myself on the verge of panic attacks almost daily.

👉My body ached when I had done nothing. Depression kept me in a really stagnant state for a couple of months and my muscles were so mad.

👉My self care had gone out the window and I was finding it hard to make space for gentle self care - even just washing my face which is so common amongst us mental health warriors.

So I did a few things. I hired a coach to help me with breathing and gentle movement. I invested in some non-toxic skincare to see how it went when I made a kinder decision for myself. I started doing the same 12 minute yoga video every night. Here’s where I am now…!

🎉I am using my inhaler half the amount I used to. I’m starting to catch myself and take deep belly breaths.

🎉My knee no longer hurts when I do a stretch I love in yoga and my range of motion is just that little bit wider.

🎉I’ve been having less dizzy and faint spells.

🎉I’m now taking walks midday because I enjoy the ritual. Podcast in my ear (Brene Brown wisdom today!), some me time, away from my laptop (huge) and hug the fresh air. It’s made such a difference to my mental health.

🎉I am on week 6 of my new skincare routine and I actually had to order more product because I ran out. I have never, ever in my life run out of product before because I used it regularly except for my makeup wipes.

So often, we don’t think about our bodies in any capacity other than how much it weighs. And yet, all these little wins are showing me what it can do.

And look, I’m not sitting here typing this telling you that I’m happy and that my relationship with myself is healed. I have such a long way to go.

But my days feel happier.
I’m breathing properly.
I’m treating myself with kindness.
And that is worth celebrating.

Pulling back the curtain on 2020.

I lit my hair on fire last night. It was a total accident - I was leaning over one candle to blow out the other and all of a sudden there was a crackling and a flame and the fire took a small chunk out of the front of my hair. Don’t worry (especially you, Mum!) All is well. My hair is so wild that you can’t even really tell and I wasn’t hurt in any way... and it is also the perfect end to 2020.

There are ashes all around us from fires we never could have predicted going into 2020.

This year has taken away things we took for granted. And it’s been searingly painful. In all honesty, I’ve been much quieter on here because I've had a really hard hard time trying to understand the best way forward. I’ve felt deep, deep sadness and disconnection and through that, I realized that I needed more help. The fascinating thing about this is that I’m working on 4 specific areas of my life (breath work, nourishment, processing and business) with 4 different people and each one of them is telling me the same thing… to listen.

To my body.
To the lessons.
To my breath.
To the pain.

It’s so easy to be like “FUCK 2020” and move forward in denial it ever happened. But you guys, this pulling back of the curtain, has revealed what truly matters. And it ain’t about money or achievements.

✨It’s in honest, emotive connection with our people and ourselves.
✨It’s in genuine curiosity and the process of learning and unlearning.
✨And it’s in finding purpose, and working alongside that purpose to create a life that actually feels good.

So today I’m holding space for all that’s been. Honoring the lessons. Reflecting on treasured memories, big takeaways, remembering all the people we’ve lost. Honoring every emotion that comes my way. And leaning into 2021 with a raw hopefulness.

I’m holding space for you too. I invite you to honor your lessons. To listen to the pain points and hold hands with them so you can carve a way forward in 2021 that feels good.

So here’s to healing.
To asking for help when we need it.
And to honoring the full range of human emotion.
Mx

Magic in the resting. My breakdown anniversary.

It’s my breakdown anniversary this week and while I’ve spent most of December not coping with things very well, I’ve taken this as a message, to slow down, to give thanks, to get curious about what I need. So that’s been my December so far.

One thing that stood out about 2020 is that finding sacred space within myself, instead of requiring it from outside sources (places, people), is so important.

Beautiful people like @sara.duigou and her gorgeous course “Reclaiming Home” sparked a new light for me and taught me the importance of this relationship with myself. And the gorgeous @fullbodiedbekah (who is going to be a podcast guest in January!!) has inspired me to treat my body with kindness and learn a new way to communicate with her (my body) that isn’t based on scarcity.

So I took these lessons and made a plan for 2021 that feels good and I’m going all in. So far on the docket...

Breath coaching, working with a nutritionist to gain insight on proper nourishment, taking a course about a decolonized, wild-hearted, deeply aligned way of doing business. And a journaling course, so I can learn how to unpack what I’m feeling without needing outside sources.

I am so excited for this next phase. To learn to trust and take care of my body and her intuition. She’s carried me a long way. She deserves some love.

I will bring you along for the ride and share what I learn with you all. For now, I hope you are all having a peaceful end to the year. That you’re finding stillness and space in your world.

There’s so much magic in the resting.

You are already strong.

Even if you don’t know it.
Even if you don’t believe it.
Even if you don’t feel it.

You are already strong.
You always have been.