Megan - Turning 37, My Revolution.
My journey into the confusing and all too common issues with mental health began as a child, but the challenges really became apparent during my early twenties and into my thirties. As a child, I grew up in a privileged environment with a very loving and supportive family. I was a successful student who loved music, art, and performance. I was a happy child. I had friends and was able to navigate the common milestones of adolescence, but I also struggled with what I’ve come to know as anxiety.
For me, anxiety was an internal voice in my head that reinforced the fears I held closest to my heart – all my negative thoughts about my body, my personality, my intelligence, and whether or not anyone truly liked me for me. These thoughts of self-hate continued to persist as I grew older.
Throughout my twenties, I had a couple of bouts with increased anxiety and episodic depression for which I eventually sought help. I learned coping skills through yoga, high impact exercise, and positive self-talk. In my late twenties, the end of a long term relationship and underemployment after graduate school culminated in a year-long episode of depression. It was a devastating and isolating place to be, but survived it. Like many who have experienced depression, I was stronger because of the experience. I was more aware of my needs, my triggers, and my ability to recognize when my anxiety was getting to a place that was untenable.
However, I was not impervious to relapses. In 2016, I suffered four very significant experiences of grief. Over the course of eight months, I had a student die by suicide, my paternal grandmother died, my mother almost died, and my maternal grandmother died. Reflecting back, I avoided processing the grief and loss - I felt it more important to appear strong and stoic all while I was screaming inside at the layers of pain, guilt, grief, and fear. These events and my inability to process my emotions lead to another episode of depression in the spring and summer of 2017. My depression came to a head when I began experiences panic attacks at work, but my reaction this time was different. I reached out for help, I saw my physician, and decided to take the needed next step to anxiety and depression medication.
As a result, my life changed. It opened up a world of self-love, grace, and self-acceptance; it was a revolution. During my 36th year, I was able to lift the veil of anxiety and depression to experience so much more than I ever had, and it was mostly due to my ability to accept myself as who I was in the moment, and love that person – flaws and all. Cheesy as it sounds, on my 37th birthday, I posted the following message on Facebook that was the most truthful, vulnerable, honest, self-loving declaration, and every word was full of love and gratitude for being able to make it through the most challenging time of my life.
“I’ve learned so much this past year, and most of it was through the big and small kindnesses from family, friends, coworkers, and students. My 36 was filled with a lot of high and lows that are common in the human experience:
Joy of new life, love, and friendship,
Pain and grief of death,
Struggle with my anxiety and depression,
Health and healing (shout out to my Zumba family, my walking buddies, family hikes, and the miracle of meds),
Boatloads of tears, but twice as much laughter (how can you not with my friends and family?)
Exciting travel, exploration, and adventure with wonderful people,
Fear of the uncertainty and the unknown,
Success and growth in my career,
Arriving late to a lot of things.
Amidst the challenges, the past year was overwhelmingly full of love, kindness, and support from my family, friends, and coworkers (love to my CeO and DDEEA fam) who continue to make me feel heard, seen, accepted, valued and normal for all the parts that make up my whole: auntie, friend, sister, daughter, advisor, bisexual and biracial (“superbi” lol), and person with anxiety and depression.
With a heart full of love, I jump into 37 with appreciation and gratitude to be the recipient of such love and a desire to pay that love forward however I can.
If you’re a TL;DR type of person, here you go...
I turned 37.
I struggle.
I am sick.
I am healthy.
I am normal.
I am successful.
I’ve got a lot of love and support.
I’m so so thankful.
I’m going to pass all that love forward.”