Maddie Ace - Break down, rise up.
It’s hard to pick just one revolution for me. But I think in order for you to understand my revolution, you need to understand my breakdown. One of my biggest adversaries is my phobia. It developed as a result of a lot of things - trauma, fear, self esteem...it's all connected. The reality of living with a phobia is that when you don't know how to manage it, you want to control the world. You want to stack it in your favor so you don't have to be afraid anymore. So I developed OCD in order to cope with this need. I fought both my phobia and OCD by myself for a couple of years and then, when I was 18, the January before my A Level (pre-college) exams, it reached its peak and after a triggering morning, I called my Mum to pick me up from school and I didn't leave my house again for 3 months. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to have to fight to stay strong. It was easier to slip into fear.
I went as low as I could go. I experienced discrimination, I had to justify myself to everyone and I let terror overcome me. I lost friends. A senior teacher at my school told me I should leave for good, that I wouldn't pass my exams. Even going to pick up a couple items from Sainsburys (UK grocery shop) was more than I could handle. I was lucky. I had my family and my then boyfriend who supported me through everything - without that, I don't know what I would have done. But ultimately, I knew that this isn't how I wanted to live my life. So I uttered 3 words to my Mum...
...I need help.
She heard me - I mean really heard me - and we scheduled a session with the therapist the next day. I decided not to go into full on therapy before my exams were done and this was hard because I’d always seen myself as being “successful”. So for the next 3 months I had to redefine my normal. My boyfriend stuck by me (even when people told him not to “catch it”) and ferried work back and forth for me every day, my incredible teacher met me at home or at the car if I felt strong enough to sit through class at school and I studied my ass off. It kept me busy so my phobia wasn't my whole life. Once exams were done, I started therapy and was at university within 3 months.
Those people who said I would fail school were wrong. I got full marks in 5 of my papers and 3 A's overall. The people who thought I wasn't going to make it to university were wrong. I went, I studied, and I got a 2:1 in Politics. The people who thought I would never have an adventurous life were wrong. I met my wife volunteering in a remote part of Thailand and took a gigantic leap of faith across the world to be with her. But mostly what I realized is that success and growth doesn't always come in the package you expect it to. My dreams saved me. My hopes for a different life. Knowing it was there and being reassured by people that loved me. Just because I was as low as I could go, didn't mean I couldn't dream. I live for that hope now. That’s what this website is about - creating a space different to the ones out there so we can dream together and support each other…and maybe even take steps to make those dreams a reality.
I know my struggles will never be completely gone, but I have the tools now. I know how to cope with it, I know what I need to do in my every day to manage it. But more so, I know that there is more to life than fear. I know there are people who can always help. I know I can always say no if I need to but more importantly…I know that I can always always work towards a yes and there is always a path to get there. My breakdown gave me courage. It gave me self awareness and set a fire that led me to where I am now.
Breaking down and rising up.
Mx