Laura - Enough As I Am
Today is a day that I should be ‘on’. I should be with my partner and my children (7 and 9) at church. I should be sitting in the pew during their Christmas program rehearsal so they can feel their mother’s support as they practice their roles as star and innkeeper. I should be happy and social celebrating Thanksgiving with extended family this afternoon.
But I’m not. I’m home in bed with a million scary feelings swimming in my mind. Depression, anxiety, mental exhaustion, confusion, inadequacy… and my biggest mental bully, guilt.
“Should” is a powerful word. As a straight-passing bisexual woman, I hear what people think I should be. As a heavily-tattooed suburban Lutheran mom, I don’t always fit in. As someone who in the past struggled with weight, I often felt less-than. As a woman and mother who is very open about her life and experiences through social media, I feel people’s critical thoughts about my decisions (and the decision to share them) all the time. And as someone who struggles with mental health, I let these "should" thoughts drown me. But when I am feeling myself, I know this: no one can tell me who I should be but me.
One of the biggest struggles for me is feeling misunderstood when I am in the struggle. I’m not lazy. I’m not flaking. I have crippling anxiety that comes on quickly and strongly, and sometimes the power it has over me cannot be underestimated.
I choose to medicate because sometimes it helps. I also practice yoga and meditation. I see a therapist when I feel I should. And I’m blessed with a partner who takes over without hesitation when I need him, and offers any help I might need. All of these things make life easier for me sometimes, but that doesn’t mean things come easily.
And so, if you know people like me, please have patience.
And if you are someone like me, you are not alone.
And you SHOULD know --- you are enough.
Laura