Lydia - Finding My Rhythm.
I have been through many changes in life, moving from place to place, flowing in and out of friendships, but nothing prepared me for the shift I would feel when I finally accepted that depression and anxiety are things I do suffer from. Sometimes for months on end, long dragged out days when I can rarely decipher one day from the next, or a simple shift in the weather can have me napping all day long, not wanting to peer outside and be presented with greyness, because greyness is exactly what absorbs so much of my time. Though thankfully, not as much now.
That change though, that realisation — whatever really, I’m unsure as of what to call it - was a revelation, it changed my life. I had been put on the pill to see if my chronic fatigue symptoms were hormone related and I had never felt that low in my entire life. I soon went back to the doctors, feeling very much on the brink… I was asked about my general mental health and was very honest about crippling anxiety, being a perfectionist and experiencing real low moods, to which she replied, “that’s very normal, we’ll take you off of the pill and we will get you referred for counselling or CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), whichever you think would suit your situation best.” For the first time in my life, I felt like I had been given permission to feel like this, I had been told that some people are more susceptible to these kinds of feelings, never mind how rosy life looks from the outside.
This was by no means an easy time in my life, possibly one of the hardest times. I had been given a diagnosis of CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), my parents had moved abroad, I had recently come out as gay to all my family and friends and by doing so, freed myself from the boulders I felt I was carrying, dragging, laden with guilt and shame. Deep down, I was hoping a formal diagnosis and being out would make a significant difference, what I didn’t expect was that these were just the catalyst, the domino effect took place, as it triggered so many things within such a short time frame. It wasn’t too long after these events that I realised I am worth more than the labels others give me. Yes, I have a CFS diagnosis, but it does not define me. Yes, I am gay and hell yes I will hug, kiss and hold hands with a woman in public but no, it does not define me. Yes, I have depression, but that is not who I am, it’s something I am learning to live with. My strength makes me feel worthy of life, as does my genuine love for people, those I respect, whether I have known them a lifetime or six months - these qualities are what define me as a person.
This strength is what supported me when I decided to give up my job, my beautiful cottage and really, my independence. I packed up everything and moved to my parents place… in France. It hit me the day of the move, exactly what I was doing, but more importantly amid everything the strength I had to do this. It’s fourteen months since I made that move and I feel like the best thing that’s happened in that time is that I have learnt to listen to my body, had time to figure out the triggers for the anxiety and depression… I’ve realised the impact of my mental health on my physical health and that sticking to the path society seems to have set for me is incredibly demoralising. Instead of keeping up with my peers, the best thing I can do is follow my own path, because it’s right for me, there is no wrong path in life. We ebb and flow and have to follow our own rhythm. At the end of the day, I know I have to look after myself because I am living this life.
Lydia