If you are reading this, I want you to know that no matter how far gone you think you are. No matter how alone. No matter how broken you feel. There is a way back. To yourself. To healing. To life. To love.
Two years ago, this day was incredibly painful for me. It had been for some time, even though things on the outside didn’t appear that way.
I reached a tipping point.
I didn’t have anything left.
And somehow, someway, I chose myself.
I chose to start finding space in my life to love myself again.
I took a leap of faith. Although in reality that was a tiny, tiny step.
And although the road was long and windy, I will forever find gratitude for February 14th, 2019.
I see you, warrior.
Don’t give up.
Choose you.
Choose light.
Choose love.
Because that true love, the love you give yourself, is the most important love you’ll ever have.
You are not a burden.
A couple of years ago, someone I loved told me that I was a burden. That my mental health was a burden. That I was "too emotional"...
And at the time, I believed them.
Through therapy, I learned that this was far from the truth and actually, I was just telling my story in an unsafe place and to someone undeserving of my vulnerability.
Mental health stigma exists at all levels.
👉 Institutionally, with medical doctors who aren't trained in mental health best practices.
👉 Relationally, with others not understanding or having conversations about what mental health actually is.
👉 Internally, with us thinking that having a mental illness means we are broken.
It's this stigma that makes us feel like a burden when we need help.
But we're not a burden.
We are human.
Feeling emotion, is human.
Searching for healing, is human.
Hurting, is human.
Needing support, is human.
When I realized that the situation I was in was an unsafe space for me to experience and express my mental health, I left, and now? My world is now full of safe spaces and safe people, and I want that for you too.
That's why I'm here. Telling my story in a bit of a shakier space. Trying to destroy mental health stigma. So we can all have open conversations about our mental health and start creating lives that actually feel good! Communication and community is such an important part of that process.
So let's start with community. I will be sending out my first newsletter in November. This newsletter will be a place for us to exhale. To find peace and tools in our day to day that help us feel grounded and supported. Make sure to join my mailing list in my bio if you’d like to have a read.
If you're feeling like a burden, I want you to know you're not. I am here. I understand what you're going through. And I want you to know that there are accepting and loving spaces and tools out there for you, and you deserve to find them.
Because you, yes you, are not a burden.
You are human.
Popcorn kernels and other fun facts.
In the podcast, and over the past few years in my activism, you have gotten to know ALL the things about my journey with mental health, so I wanted to share a few random things you may NOT already know!
I love to eat the popcorn kernels left at the end of the bag, especially if they are like, half popped. I’m not sorry.
My favorite movies are Lord of the Rings and Interstellar. Epics spanning a long period of time, great character development, an in-depth story line and some form of sci-fi/fantasy are usually a win for me! Avatar is up there too.
I studied politics, nuclear policy and terrorism at university. I wrote my dissertation on 9/11 and Al Qaeda. I was determined to understand what the heck happened from the moment I saw it on the TV and realized that the world was so much more complex then I had realized.
I have 7 tattoos. Most of them are on my forearms, but I have a big abstract weeping buddha on my arm which is my absolute fave.
My favorite place on this earth is Chatsworth House in the UK. For me, people feel like home most of the time. Chatsworth is the one place that feels like home home. I went there to make every major life decision growing up. (This isn’t a real home... just a place I spent a lot of time growing up… although I would love to live in Pemberly 😉). @chatsworthofficial
I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Both completely mess with my body. 95% of the time, I drink sparkling water. It’s my fave!
So there are a few things you might not have known. Tell me something completely random about you!
Buy yourself the flowers!
“That is when I began buying myself flowers. I thought, if this act is so wonderful when done for others, why can’t I do that for myself?"
Have you ever bought flowers for yourself? (Comment with a 🖐️ if you have!)
This quote from one of my favorite stories in the Vault on my website and I adore it because it's such a simple concept, and yet the road to radical self love starts with a simple step.
Maybe it's a bouquet of flowers.
Maybe it's a massage.
Maybe it's a bubble bath.
Maybe it's indulging in an ep of your favorite TV show.
What one thing could you do for yourself this week?
What if I didn't have my phobia?
What if I didn’t have my phobia?
Occasionally, very occasionally, this sentence pops into my mind. Usually when I’m tired, or nostalgic. When things feel dark. And I wonder, what if?
What if I didn’t have my phobia?
What if I never had my breakdown?
Would university have been more fun?
Would I have traveled more?
Would I have been brave enough to walk away sooner?
And then I remember the magic.
I’ve learnt how to notice when words get caught in my throat. When I need an outlet to process the emotions my body is holding.
I’ve discovered what it means to have a passion. A purpose. Something I stay up at night to ponder and a mission that I truly live for.
I’ve taken leaps of faith and truly lived my life. WITH my phobia. WITH anxiety. That they are usually now gentle whispers who remind me to take care of myself but when they yell, you’d best believe I’ll listen.
And I’m reminded, that there’s so much magic stemming from the darkness.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
Your mental health diagnosis does not mean your dreams are no longer available to you.
So don’t give up.
You’ll find your magic.
Just give it time.
What’s one piece of magic that’s come from your tougher times?
Tell me in the comments! 👇👇👇👇👇
On healing past selves. Thank you therapy.
Every day, always, you are carrying around past versions of yourself.
You know what’s beautiful about that? The newer versions, the ones who found a new path, can speak to the older, more vulnerable versions when they appear and help heal them, reassure them and let them know that they can rest.
I am carrying the 25 year old married Maddie who was told she is “too emotional” and “broken”.
And now? I’m the person who left a bad situation, who is more sure of herself than ever before and holds compassion for every part of who she is.
So whenever old Maddie pops up, doubting herself or questioning if she’s “too emotional”, current me can be there to reassure her.
It goes something like this…
“Oh my god, it’s happening again. I’m too emotional. It’s going to be too much for [X]!”
“I know you’ve been hurt before, but remember: Your strength is in your sensitivity. Your emotional awareness is your superpower. Being a Highly Sensitive Person means that you notice subtleties others don’t see. And if someone truly loves you, these things will be treasured by them. Rest. I got this.”
And then it’s over. She rests. We go on. We heal.
Thank you therapy.
Thank you therapy.
Thank you therapy.
You don't need to apologize for needing space and rest.
Yesterday there was no walk.
No yoga.
No breathing drills.
No belly breaths.
I ate a lot of chocolate.
I didn’t respond to people.
I canceled my appointment.
I didn’t get to all my work.
All these things... it’s a habit to want to apologize for them. It’s part of being high functioning and an over achiever. But as much as I want to, I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to make up for them.
Sometimes, rest isn’t enough.
Sometimes space is what’s needed.
And there’s no need to apologize for that.
The truth we see. The truth we don't.
You don’t know the full picture when you look at me.
On the left, I was fresh out of the emergency room because of my anxiety, trying to process my trauma and failing to understand what I could do to heal. I couldn’t hide what was happening.
On the right, I was fresh out of a week’s struggle with a depressive episode. Crying daily. A brief moment of relief between long periods where I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
My path means I now have more ups than downs, but just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
You don’t know the full picture when you look at ANYONE. And we’re so quick to pass judgement, especially on platforms like Instagram.
That’s why it’s so important to show the glimpse behind the images.
Holding space for you and your journey always 🙏😘
The emotions that show up on hard days.
Music is my passion. I grew up in a musical household, I’ve written music myself my whole life, and most recently it’s got me through some really rough times. We’re often drawn to music that meets us where we are and use it as a comfort that walks alongside us… But what if we used it as a guiding hand to pull us out of an emotion when we’re walking through the darker days?
In my stories today, I did my mental health check-in as always, but this time I asked people to respond with one word that explained how they were feeling so they could start getting acquainted with what that emotion is.
There are 3 main emotions that crop up for me on hard days:
Loneliness, fear and unworthiness.
Instead of listening to music that meets me in that emotion, I create playlists that reflect the messages that my family, therapist or friends would say to me if they were here.
- You are supported.
- You are not alone.
- It’s ok to have a bad day.
- You are worthy of healing.
Today, I’m listening to Hand of God by Jon Bellion. Now I’m not a religious person, but this song is one of the most uplifting I’ve ever heard and it reminds me of something that one of my favorite people would say to me if she were here. That goes such a long way in helping me feel less alone, guiding me towards the light.
What song would be in your curated playlist today?
——
“When you’re lost in the universe, don’t lose faith. My mother said, “your whole life’s in the hands of God”.
Throwback picture by @frakcha 💕
Tiptoeing towards healing is ok too.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I wanted to give you a gentle reminder that tiptoeing towards healing is valid too.
Reading a story of recovery.
Researching what therapy is.
Considering booking an appointment. Noticing what’s happening in your body.
One small step is where we all begin.
Someone messaged me today and said “You are seen and you are loved.” And I wanted to pass that along. However you move towards healing. Your path is valid. 🙏
Surprising body wins (diet culture dropout edition!)
Surprising body wins (diet culture dropout edition!) 🙏
It’s been a month since I decided to ditch diet culture and start listening to the areas of my body that were screaming for some help. And you guys, it’s making a difference. Here’s where I started…
👉I found it hard to breathe. I was recently diagnosed with asthma, had increasing anxiety, and found myself on the verge of panic attacks almost daily.
👉My body ached when I had done nothing. Depression kept me in a really stagnant state for a couple of months and my muscles were so mad.
👉My self care had gone out the window and I was finding it hard to make space for gentle self care - even just washing my face which is so common amongst us mental health warriors.
So I did a few things. I hired a coach to help me with breathing and gentle movement. I invested in some non-toxic skincare to see how it went when I made a kinder decision for myself. I started doing the same 12 minute yoga video every night. Here’s where I am now…!
🎉I am using my inhaler half the amount I used to. I’m starting to catch myself and take deep belly breaths.
🎉My knee no longer hurts when I do a stretch I love in yoga and my range of motion is just that little bit wider.
🎉I’ve been having less dizzy and faint spells.
🎉I’m now taking walks midday because I enjoy the ritual. Podcast in my ear (Brene Brown wisdom today!), some me time, away from my laptop (huge) and hug the fresh air. It’s made such a difference to my mental health.
🎉I am on week 6 of my new skincare routine and I actually had to order more product because I ran out. I have never, ever in my life run out of product before because I used it regularly except for my makeup wipes.
So often, we don’t think about our bodies in any capacity other than how much it weighs. And yet, all these little wins are showing me what it can do.
And look, I’m not sitting here typing this telling you that I’m happy and that my relationship with myself is healed. I have such a long way to go.
But my days feel happier.
I’m breathing properly.
I’m treating myself with kindness.
And that is worth celebrating.
Pulling back the curtain on 2020.
I lit my hair on fire last night. It was a total accident - I was leaning over one candle to blow out the other and all of a sudden there was a crackling and a flame and the fire took a small chunk out of the front of my hair. Don’t worry (especially you, Mum!) All is well. My hair is so wild that you can’t even really tell and I wasn’t hurt in any way... and it is also the perfect end to 2020.
There are ashes all around us from fires we never could have predicted going into 2020.
This year has taken away things we took for granted. And it’s been searingly painful. In all honesty, I’ve been much quieter on here because I've had a really hard hard time trying to understand the best way forward. I’ve felt deep, deep sadness and disconnection and through that, I realized that I needed more help. The fascinating thing about this is that I’m working on 4 specific areas of my life (breath work, nourishment, processing and business) with 4 different people and each one of them is telling me the same thing… to listen.
To my body.
To the lessons.
To my breath.
To the pain.
It’s so easy to be like “FUCK 2020” and move forward in denial it ever happened. But you guys, this pulling back of the curtain, has revealed what truly matters. And it ain’t about money or achievements.
✨It’s in honest, emotive connection with our people and ourselves.
✨It’s in genuine curiosity and the process of learning and unlearning.
✨And it’s in finding purpose, and working alongside that purpose to create a life that actually feels good.
So today I’m holding space for all that’s been. Honoring the lessons. Reflecting on treasured memories, big takeaways, remembering all the people we’ve lost. Honoring every emotion that comes my way. And leaning into 2021 with a raw hopefulness.
I’m holding space for you too. I invite you to honor your lessons. To listen to the pain points and hold hands with them so you can carve a way forward in 2021 that feels good.
So here’s to healing.
To asking for help when we need it.
And to honoring the full range of human emotion.
Mx
Magic in the resting. My breakdown anniversary.
It’s my breakdown anniversary this week and while I’ve spent most of December not coping with things very well, I’ve taken this as a message, to slow down, to give thanks, to get curious about what I need. So that’s been my December so far.
One thing that stood out about 2020 is that finding sacred space within myself, instead of requiring it from outside sources (places, people), is so important.
Beautiful people like @sara.duigou and her gorgeous course “Reclaiming Home” sparked a new light for me and taught me the importance of this relationship with myself. And the gorgeous @fullbodiedbekah (who is going to be a podcast guest in January!!) has inspired me to treat my body with kindness and learn a new way to communicate with her (my body) that isn’t based on scarcity.
So I took these lessons and made a plan for 2021 that feels good and I’m going all in. So far on the docket...
Breath coaching, working with a nutritionist to gain insight on proper nourishment, taking a course about a decolonized, wild-hearted, deeply aligned way of doing business. And a journaling course, so I can learn how to unpack what I’m feeling without needing outside sources.
I am so excited for this next phase. To learn to trust and take care of my body and her intuition. She’s carried me a long way. She deserves some love.
I will bring you along for the ride and share what I learn with you all. For now, I hope you are all having a peaceful end to the year. That you’re finding stillness and space in your world.
There’s so much magic in the resting.
Shadow Work - What Does A Leap Look Like?
I lived in the shadows for what felt like eternity. Things were bleak and dark and I didn't see a way out. The walls were thick, tall and heavy... like the gate to Mordor. Lined with beasts that I didn't have the energy to try to trick. I knew my tricks would throw me in deeper anyway. What was the point. And then... I remember bring in tears and something exhaled within me and a tiny voice whispered...
Read MoreYou are already strong.
Even if you don’t know it.
Even if you don’t believe it.
Even if you don’t feel it.
You are already strong.
You always have been.