It’s episode four of The Oh Shit Kit! We finally get to share the big news that we are now ROOMMATES, in addition to being: PODCAST CO-HOSTS, BUSINESS PARTNERS, AND CO-FUR-BABY-MAMAS! That’s right, Maddie moved into Leora’s basement and brought her two kitties along with her. Charlie thinks we shouldn’t “piss where we eat” but we think he’s wrong and he can only have the last laugh when we have to go to friendship therapy together. There’s only a little bitterness so far because Leora’s pets respect Maddie more than they respect Leora or her wife. At least they listen to someone now.
Here’s a pic of our “hoard” as Maddie likes to call it!
Jordie <3
Luna <3
Bailey <3
George <3
Now that we are recording twenty feet from Maddie’s room, we also get to talk about Maddie’s FAVORITE TOPIC IN THE WORLD, which is…. You guessed it, therapy! We are discussing how to minimize the chances of having a bad therapy experience, and what to do if you have a bad experience with a therapist.
Sometimes people try therapy once and have a bad experience, so they decide that therapy is not for them. We are here to tell you that you should give it a bit more of a chance! Maybe it’s not for everyone, but it could also be that you just didn’t see the right therapist for YOU.
We start this conversation off by addressing the fact that not everyone has access to therapy, and we want to acknowledge that we are coming from a place of privilege, and that having access to therapy to begin with is a privilege in itself. If you don’t think you have access to therapy, we also have some ideas for potential options that you may be able to use...more on that later.
Maddie goes into her approach regarding finding a therapist. This woman is not messing around, and she suggests that you interview at least two or three people to see who is the best fit for you. YAS QUEEN, LOOK AT YOUR BAD SELF AND YOUR HIGH ASS STANDARDS!
When Maddie was first looking for a therapist, she had a horrible experience with the National Health Service in England. Maddie was assessed to see if she qualified for therapy, and was denied. The way that the assessment was done was by attempting to trigger Maddie’s phobia and seeing how much she freaked out. Leora can confirm that this is a 0 out of 10, definitely would not recommend. Thankfully, Maddie and her family did not give up, and she was able to find a therapist in the private sector in England. Maddie learned from this experience that THERE ARE OPTIONS OUT THERE and if you have a bad experience, there is hope and you have plenty of other avenues to explore. Maddie is so glad she stuck with it, because she ended up finding a therapist who was able to help her. After finding that therapist, it took three months for Maddie to make huge strides. When Maddie initially met that therapist, she had not left her house in months. After working with the therapist for about three months, she headed off to college on her own. The power of therapy, people!
Sidenote, Leora has a tiny head, and “these headphones really hurt her fucking ears”. You really needed know that, we know.
Maddie drops her advice about the three questions she likes to ask a new therapist. 1. What is your success rate with someone who is dealing with my issue; 2. What is your level of experience; and 3. What are your credentials. On top of that, Maddie looks to make sure she jives well with the therapist, and, if money seems to be the therapist’s first priority. There’s a story behind that one.
When Maddie went to see one particular therapist for the first time, she was asked to sign a contract to pay for twelve sessions before the therapist asked what concerns Maddie was there to see her for. Remember, if you didn’t sign anything, you can always change your mind, so don’t sign a twelve session contract within five minutes of meeting your new therapist.
To sum up, Maddie has had two really negative therapy experiences, but this woman LOVES HER SOME THERAPY. So, the moral of the story is, if you have a bad experience with a therapist, don’t give up. The right fit is out there.
A caveat to the “twelve session contract issue” is that there are some documents a therapist will need signed on the first session. These usually include notices of privacy practices, client rights, grievance procedures, and sometimes, an agreement that if you don’t show up for sessions you will have to pay for them. However, a twelve session or numbered session contract is not a typical document.
Leora goes into the issue of therapists and money. Leora believes that therapists usually aren’t in it for the money first and foremost, and probably shouldn’t be...after all, you could get your masters degree in something else and make a lot more money than a therapist. Being a therapist is emotionally challenging work, and if you’re in it only for the money, and don’t have the passion for helping people, you’re probably not going to be that good at it. With that being said, Leora is also an advocate for notoriously underpaid people like social workers and teachers being paid fairly...but that doesn’t mean you, as the client, should feel like money is the therapist's primary concern. You shouldn’t.
We discuss the importance of having a good fit and connection with your therapist. We can’t stress this enough: THERE ARE RIGHT AND WRONG FITS OUT THERE. You should feel positive human interaction with a new therapist, and feel you could come to trust the person who is sitting in front of you with your deepest shit. That is, after all, the point.
Leora goes into some research on this topic. Researchers (see link below for citation) found that the “therapeutic alliance” (fancy term for the therapist and client working together towards the common goal of helping the client achieve their goals) consists of three things: 1. Agreeing on the goals of treatment 2. Agreeing on the tasks 3. Development of the personal bond. If you don’t have this, and don’t feel a positive regard from your therapist, their training means basically jack shit. You need to trust this person in order for therapy to work, and you know who is the right or wrong person for you.
Leora and Maddie discuss what “unconditional positive regard” really means. Basically, it means that your therapist will treat you with respect and show that they care for you through their words and body language. Therapists are taught to be aware of this and make sure they are demonstrating it for their clients, as it’s an important part of successful therapy.
We go into the difference between a therapist who holds you accountable, versus one who lacks unconditional positive regard for you as their client. Maddie has had a positive experience with a therapist who was “tough” and held her accountable, in a caring way. For some people, this is helpful. For others, a more gentle approach is ideal. You can ask your therapist how they tend to be! You know what style will be best for you.
Maddie tells us about an experience she had with a therapist who she really liked, but had a bad session with. Maddie left the session feeling horrible and hopeless. At the beginning of the next session, Maddie was honest with her therapist and told her exactly how she felt. Maddie and her therapist worked together to solve the problem that led to these feelings, and make a plan to make sure this would never happen again. Maddie had three years of awesome therapy with this therapist, and she is so glad she had that conversation with her therapist.
We discuss why it’s important to be honest with your therapist, and remind you that you’re allowed to tell them if you disagree with them or didn’t like something they said! A good therapist will be open to constructive criticism and modify the treatment so that it is the right fit for you. If you’re afraid to talk to your therapist about something, you can bring it up in any way you are comfortable with. For example, you could write it down, put it in an email or voicemail, or talk to your therapist about your fears before discussing the issue.
We find out today that while Leora does happen to be an alien, most therapists are human beings, so they do make mistakes and should be willing to acknowledge them and make changes to improve the work they do with their clients. There’s no guidebook that says exactly what your therapist should say in a particular situation, so it is totally possible your therapist did not say the right thing, or made a suggestion that you don’t want to try. Tell them as much! Remember, if you fucking hate doing something, you don’t have to do it!
The bottom line is, you need to be able to build a strong therapeutic relationship with your therapist. If you feel like it’s just not gonna happen with a particular therapist, you can definitely continue looking for someone with whom it will work. Our three big takeaways are: 1. Shop around, interview a few therapists to find one who feels like a good fit; 2. Find out what your therapist’s experience is (ask about those letters behind their name- they are legally obligated to explain that to you); 3. Speak up. If you feel something your therapist said didn't make sense for you or was upsetting to you, you have every right to say it. Therapy is supposed to be catered to the individual and your therapist should want to make you comfortable. It’s YOUR therapy, and YOUR mental health. Take charge of that experience.
Another important thing to remember is that your therapist should have a background and experience in treating people with the issues that you have. There are some issues you may want your therapist to have an additional license for- for example, in the United States, therapists treating people for drug or alcohol issues need to have a substance abuse counseling license on top of their therapy license. If you have PTSD or trauma, going to a therapist trained in a specific trauma therapy such as EMDR, can have much more benefit than going to a therapist who does not specialize in treating trauma.
Therapists can become therapists through a few different types of degrees. Google those letters behind their name, and look into the degree program that is correlated with those letters. You may find that your values do or do not align with the values of that therapist’s particular area of study. That can narrow down your search a bit. In the United States, specific titles and degree programs vary a bit from state-to-state, but generally, your therapist can have a background in social work, professional counseling, marriage and family therapy, or psychology.
Maddie has a three session rule. If she goes to a therapist and feels they may be a good fit in the initial meeting, she gives them at least three sessions to see if it’s really a good fit before giving up on that person. Therapy doesn’t always make you feel better right away, but your therapist should be giving you the tools you might need to cope with the process of opening up some of the difficult issues in your life.
So, what should you do if you happen to go to the wrong therapist and have a bad experience? First and foremost, remember, there are lots of therapists out there (we can’t stress that enough). Most people can benefit from therapy in some way. That doesn’t mean you HAVE TO have it in your toolkit, but if you’re exploring therapy, don’t give up after one bad experience.
Our big takeaway for today is this: bad therapy can hurt you, but good therapy can heal that hurt. If you have a bad experience, you’re not alone, and you shouldn’t give up on finding a good therapist if you feel therapy could help you. Maddie can’t stress enough the strides that she’s made through therapy, and if she had given up after one bad experience, she wouldn't have had all those positive therapeutic experiences in her life. Don’t let the potential for a negative experience scare you away from trying.
Finally, if you think you can’t access therapy, there are some potential options. If you don’t have insurance at all, you can look into seeing a student intern therapist for free. This would be someone who is in graduate school and has not finished school yet, but is supervised by a licensed professional. You can also look into seeing a therapist who provides services on a sliding pay scale, meaning that the amount you pay is based on your income and will hopefully be a reasonable amount for you. If you have social security or medical assistance, you can access therapy with those types of insurance. Psychology Today’s website has a database of therapists who offer therapy under different providers, or you can call your insurance company.
Did you guys know that therapy is one of Maddie’s absolute favorite topics? She would LOVE to hear from you ;-) Please reach out to us if you have questions, suggestions, or just want to tell us something. You can reach us on our website, social media, or by emailing theohshitkit@gmail.com!
TOOLS
When finding a therapist, interview 2-3 people to decide who is the best fit for you
Ask questions when you meet with a new therapist! Some ideas:
What is your success rate with someone who is dealing with my issue
How much experience do you have
What are your credentials
What degree program(s) did you complete and what did that look like
Be aware of what you are signing when you meet with a new therapist. It is required that therapists have you sign certain documents. These often include privacy practices, informed consent, grievance procedures, a treatment plan they create with you, and, sometimes, an agreement that you will pay if you don’t show up to a session and don’t call to cancel. However, it is NOT typical to be asked to sign a contract to attend a set number of sessions in the US. For Maddie, it’s important that the therapist focus on the connection and getting to know me before jumping into a money conversation.
There are therapists who are the right and wrong fit out there for everyone. Trust your gut and the vibes you’re getting. Relationships do matter when it comes to the success of therapy. Ask yourself: is this someone I could come to trust with my deepest shit?
If you’ve found a therapist you like, and they say something that upsets you or you don’t agree with, speak up! Your therapist should be open and even grateful for constructive criticism. This will allow them to make the therapy work for YOU as an individual.
Google those letters girl. Before even meeting with a therapist, you can Google the letters behind their name and find out what type of educational background they have, as well as if they have a specialized license (such as substance use counseling or a specific type of trauma therapy). You may want a therapist with additional training to treat your particular concern.
Consider following the “three session rule”. If Maddie likes a therapist, she will give them three sessions to see if they are a good fit before giving up on them.
If you think you can’t access therapy, we have a few ideas. For those who don’t have insurance, you can see an intern therapist (who has not completed school but is supervised by someone who has) for free. This is not the best option for everyone, if you want an experienced, licensed therapist, this will not be the right choice for you. You can also see a private therapist who offers a sliding scale for payment- meaning you pay based on your income. If you don’t have an HMO but have Medicaid/Medicare/Social Security in the United States, you can access therapy. Call your insurance provider to find in-network options. PsychologyToday.com also has a database of providers who take different types of payment/insurance.
If you have a bad therapy experience, or don’t find the right fit right away, DON’T GIVE UP! There are lots of therapists out there, and we can almost guarantee there is one who can help you. Keep looking.
Citation: http://bit.ly/TOSKtherapyarticle
SheBeRed Blog: http://bit.ly/SBRTherapyBlog