So I’m back from my 3 week trip home, I’m newly job-less and I’ve decided to launch this blog on my birthday, which just happens to be less then 3 weeks away. I’m in the run up to launching and time is going really fast. Last week…I felt really excited. Really pumped up, feeling creative, like I’m loud and proud and here to stay…and this week…I’m not feeling that at all.
I‘m coming to the realization that this is it. This is my most vulnerable moment of my life, where I’m going to be open about everything. My struggles with mental health. My stories and insecurities. I’m putting all of my creativity out there. All of my music - when most of you haven’t heard me sing. All of my art. Unedited. Raw. Open.
The ironic thing about this is it’s the first time since I moved here that I’m finding true alignment in my life. Where the me I used to be, the me I am and the me I hope to be, all come together in one place for the first time in my life. Finding congruence was one of my emotional goals this year (see The Desire Map for more info on what those are) and I know I should be feeling excited that I’m achieving that goal…but instead, I am truly TERRIFIED. I hate that I’m saying this but truth me told…I’m worried about what you, the reader, will think of me.
Here’s my fear. Maybe you’re someone I’ve had in my life for a long time in the US…and had no idea I had suffered from mental illness. Maybe you’re someone who was in my life until recently, have been openly judgmental about mental health and are gonna be all aggro that I never told you. Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t really know me as a person and now all you see me as, is a label. Maybe your a potential employer and instead of seeing a creative, passionate individual, you see me as a potential basket case. A liability.
Now I know that there is some validation to my fear. I was judged before. When I had my breakdown, someone told my then boyfriend not to catch it. One teacher told me I wouldn’t pass my exams, that I’d never make it to University. A friend chose never to speak to me again. These are all true stories so it makes sense that I would be nervous. The truth though is this judgement has come up again a lot for me recently. When people have spoken openly about their mental health issues, their grief or pain, I’ve heard people in the last year comment on how they need to pull themselves together. How they need to stop being weak. Stop allowing themselves to be seen as victims…trust me, in this last year, I’ve heard it all. So I guess it does make sense that I’m concerned about this.
So why move forward? First, I’ve never allowed other people’s opinions of me to rule my life. For example on the above, it’s literally not possible to ‘catch’ a mental health illness, I got 3 A’s and went to University AND that friend who dumped me turned out to be someone who brought alot of toxicity into my life anyway.
Second, so many bad things are happening. People are hurting themselves, leaving this life too soon. Thinking they aren’t worthy. They can’t cope. They want it to just all end. I just cannot get this one image out of my head. This image of this girl who is sat on her bathroom floor, rocking, not knowing what she is going to do. The one who can’t breathe, wants to give up and be done with the struggle. The girl who thinks she is completely alone, that the pain isn’t worth it. And I keep coming back to the same message.
Hope is more important than fear.
This blog started as a way for me to heal. A way for me to cope with what I was seeing happening in the world. The comments being made in my presence about women seeing themselves as victims. This idea that having struggles with mental health somehow makes you weak. But over and over again I am being reminded of this one fact…humans may discriminate, but mental health does not.
The people who I know who have struggled with mental health are everything, every profession, every sexuality, every race, every age, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. Doctors, lawyers, police officers, stay at home Mums, vets, realtors, admins, accountants, white, black, hispanic, christian, jewish, agnostic…everything. And I can’t just keep sitting here, hating what I’m hearing, saying nothing. Because I know the reality - if I was a woman hearing the things I was hearing and I didn’t know better, of course I would shut up about it. Of course I wouldn’t say a word. Of course I would be ashamed and embarrassed because when we have people in powerful positions saying that we should just ‘get over it’, why wouldn’t we listen?!
So my frustration is fueled by something bigger. It’s the one thing that keeps pulling me through. My hope. My hope that if one person speaks, if we create this body of essays and have a database of success stories…that we might affect just ONE person who is thinking about taking their own life.
Maybe you’re reading this and you’re someone who has been struggling and feels really alone and somehow, somewhere you find this blog and realize you’re not the only one. Maybe you’re sat on your bathroom floor with a knife in your hand and you don’t think you have any other option…and then you remember that you read this group of essays about people who struggled just the way that you have and you decide to take one last look.
So whatever you think, just know that there are people who need the storytellers. We were made to do hard things. We were made to connect. We were made to be connectors. We were made to communicate. To congregate. To rise above fear and live in our truths. We can help each other. And we should!
If you’re still wondering why I’m choosing to do this, I’ll leave you with this message from Brene Brown. In her TED Talk about vulnerability, Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the ultimate measure of courage and mentions two things she learnt about this in her research.
The first is vulnerability is not weakness. That myth is profoundly dangerous… Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I’ve come to the belief — this is my 12th year doing this research — that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage –to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest. – Brené Brown, Listening to Shame’
So I’m deciding to be brave. To face the elements and to be seen. Because I truly believe that there are some things out there that are worth being vulnerable for.
I would love to know why this work is important for you. Let me know in the comments below!
