Trigger Warnings: Self-harm, phobias, vomit, undiagnosed illness, car accidents
Hey guys! It’s a great day to be alive, Maddie got rear ended on her way to the ER! Good news, no one was hurt, and Maddie’s car is mostly okay. Silver lining, people. Maddie is still not feeling well, but most of the super scary stuff has been ruled out. Maddie has been dealing with a lot of pain and inflammation and is trying to figure out if her mental health and stress levels are causing the inflammation. Leora doesn’t have an oh shit moment of the week, so she tells us about her acupressure mat. Sure, do whatever the fuck you want girl.
Our topic today is Maddie’s story! If you know Maddie, you will know that she has been a mental health advocate since the age of 18, when she first started to heal from her mental health struggles. But most of you won’t know much about her actual story because she hasn’t felt ready to tell it. She’s finally feeling ready to dive a little deeper into some of the struggles she’s had over the years.
Maddie wants to tell her story despite all the health issues she’s experiencing, because if her symptoms are anxiety related, she may be able to keep calm by looking at the things she’s overcome. Way to frame it in a positive way, girl! However, it is hard for Maddie to not be a bit angry about all the pain she is experiencing. She is trying to have compassion for herself so that she can get better.
First we talk about Maddie’s big breakdown, which occurred when she was eighteen years old. When Maddie was sixteen, a traumatic event occurred, which triggered her vomit phobia. Until she was eighteen, she was finding ways to cope, but they weren’t adaptive or helpful. After a couple years of this, Maddie hit her breaking point when she heard someone talking about sickness within their family. Maddie went home and didn’t leave for three months. Maddie says she was trying to avoid bringing any outside germs into her home, so her response was to stay home.
Leora talks a bit about internalized versus externalized symptoms. Maddie notes that she internalized her symptoms in a big way, so she would be screaming on the inside but no one could tell from the outside. Leora had a similar experience when she told her family about her anxiety disorder. No one realized what was going on because most of it was happening internally.
Maddie talks about some of the things that she tried to cope with her phobia. Shortly after the traumatic event, Maddie tried hypnotherapy. Maddie says that the hypnotherapy did work temporarily. However, Maddie is someone who needs to process through talking, so it wasn’t the best solution in her case.
Eventually, Maddie found a therapist who was right for her. We talk about resistance to starting therapy, which can be particularly common for people with diagnoses like OCD and/or trauma. However, for the vast majority of people, facing these issues with the help of the right therapist is well worth it in the end.
In Maddie’s case, exposure therapy started with family members being asked to say the word “sick” in front of Maddie on a regular basis. Maddie was also asked to say the word to herself in the mirror. The point of this was to desensitize Maddie, and to prove to her brain that saying the word will not actually cause something terrible to happen.
Maddie’s first therapist practiced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Cognitive behavioral therapy is a combination of cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy. Cognitive therapy involves changing maladaptive (we know, we know) thought patterns and beliefs. Behavioral therapy involves engaging in behaviors that will reduce symptoms. The particular behaviors that are implemented depends on the diagnosis and specific concerns. It can be something like doing pleasant activities, or it can be exposures, like in the case of OCD.
We talk about making decisions out of joy instead of fear. Often, when our anxiety is on high alert, we make decisions based on avoiding potential risk. This can be a good way to gage where you are at with your mental health- are your decisions made primarily out of joy, or out of fear?
These days, Maddie’s therapist draws from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). This is different from CBT because it is focused on how to cope with extreme emotions. Often, the true form of DBT will involve groups as well as individual therapy and is often used for people who have issues with self-harm.
We delve into stigma related to self-harm. Maddie says that when she self-harmed, she did not know what else to do. She had to learn other ways to manage extreme emotions. It’s so important to seek help if you are experiencing self-harm or urges to self-harm. There are many alternative options and a licensed professional can help you to identify other ways to feel better. Do not allow shame to prevent you from seeking help. Therapists are used to helping people who struggle with self-harm, and they should not judge you. In fact, the whole idea of the “Oh Shit Kit” came from Maddie finding alternatives to self-harm with her therapist! Maddie made a physical kit with her therapist containing items to help Maddie distract and soothe. For example, Maddie had Sudoku puzzles and books to distract; and items such as candles and bubble bath to physically soothe her body. Maddie likes to go #facefirst when soothing herself, and start with things like cleanser, toner, and face masks. Sometimes, she looks like a serial killer with her face masks on, and you can feast your eyes on that image below.
Another addition to a physical kit can be a list of things you can do to soothe yourself. It can be hard to think of the coping skills you have in moments of extreme emotion, so the list can be a great tool to have available when you need some ideas.
We get a bit sidetracked talking about the value of hard work in our culture, and how this can cause issues when it comes to self-care. For some people, it’s not an option to take a break- if you have to work long weeks in order to pay your bills, we aren’t mad at you, but we are pissed that you have to do that. You deserve better and our society does not make it easy to make ends meet while also caring for your mental health and relationships. For some, working too much is not a necessity, but a way to avoid life issues. Maddie sometimes works too much as a way to avoid her emotions, so be aware if that may be the case for you.
Maddie has also tried alternative forms of healing, such as Ayurveda. We don’t fully understand what this is, but Maddie found the consultation she had to be helpful. See the video below if you’re interested in learning more.
https://www.banyanbotanicals.com/info/ayurvedic-living/learning-ayurveda/intro-to-ayurveda/
Maddie is an open book about this. She loves books so much, she became one. Her takeaway is: if something doesn’t work, keep looking for something that does. There are so many options out there, and you may need to do some searching, but it will be worth it when you find the tools that work for you. Find the things you don’t fucking hate doing!
TOOLS
1. Make a physical “Oh Shit Kit” to distract and soothe from difficult emotions
2. Make a list of things you can do to soothe yourself
3. Be aware of if you are using work as a way to avoid dealing with emotions
4. Look into alternative forms of medicine if that speaks to you
5. If you struggle with self-harm, seek help. Don’t allow shame to prevent you from seeking help; therapists are used to working with people with a history of self-harm and should not judge you for this!
6. If you struggle with anxiety, ask yourself whether you are making decisions out of joy, or out of fear. If you are making decisions primarily out of fear, it may be time to look into adding some more tools to your kit and/or seeking additional help.
Self-Injury Support: http://sioutreach.org
Self-Harm Text line: https://www.crisistextline.org/selfharm
Text CONNECT to 741741 for help with self-harm
Podcasts can’t provide professional advice. For help: http://bit.ly/TOSKresources
CITATIONS
Aron, E. (n.d.). The Highly Sensitive Person: how to thrive when the world overwhelms you.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/dialectical-behavior-therapy.
Externalizing-Internalizing. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/externalizing-internalizing.
Introduction to Ayurveda. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.banyanbotanicals.com/info/ayurvedic-living/learning-ayurveda/intro-to-ayurveda/.