Ever since I was 11, I’ve been making music. My Mumma was a piano teacher and so for as long as I can remember, I’ve always found peace at the piano. The first song I ever wrote, I was 11 and my best friend started going out with my crush…I still have the lyrics! Safe to say, there’s been many songs written since then. I wrote my first album at 15 called ‘The Mysteries’. At that time, I didn’t have a phobia and so my songs were about rejection, values and my fam.
This month, I am releasing an album of music I wrote about my mental health journey. One of the things that kept me plodding on through my breakdown was writing these songs. There’s a visceral response when you get something out of your body, especially through singing. It’s a cathartic process and one that allows you to put to rest the things that you go through. ‘Phoenix’ is a 7 track disc of music that tracks my journey through mental health recovery.
I guess I will start by saying that I don’t profess to have the best voice on the planet…but that’s kind of the point. It doesn’t matter who you are. Where you come from. What you’re struggling with. The point of this entire album was to reassure and encourage others that no matter who you are, it’s ok to have a voice, and use it. I want more people to know that healing and recovery is out there, just waiting for them.
Being vulnerable with your creativity is always kind of scary, but if I can help just one more person with this release, then it will all have been worth it.
So here’s my truth.
Wave - Track 1
This song talks about those initial emotions that i experienced as I was moving into the world of anxiety. For me, anxiety literally feels like a wave…otherwise known as the dread drop. There is a very specific moment of panic when I feel this energy course it’s way down my body. This song was built based on that sensation. It also speaks to the momentum that can build when you sit in anxiety over time. It starts as me and a piano and then, as the song goes on, you’ll hear more and more voices enter, more instruments building until the crescendo at the end.
“Won’t somebody try to understand it.
She’s scared to speak out, so much to lose.
There’s a wave crashing down on me.”
Peekaboo - Track 2
This song was originally written with my brother as I was stuck in my house all those years ago. Housebound and afraid, it speaks to all the things I was missing in my life. How I faced judgement. How I desperately wanted to be living my life but all I could manage at the time was brief snippets of experiences. It’s therefore very raw with a live guitar baseline.
“One day I’ll break myself out of this hell.
For now it’s Peekaboo.”
Phoenix - Track 3
This song is secretly my favorite. I remember writing this at University, knowing that I’m not alone. Knowing that you CAN struggle with your mental health and get through education and have amazing relationships and beautiful experiences and REALLY LIVE. At university, I couldn’t believe how many people I was around who were also struggling with mental health. Depression, eating disorders, anxiety, low self esteem. It was everywhere. This is a message of encouragement that recovery is out there, recovery is possible and you are worthy of it. This version is much more raw than on the CD - it’s how it was originally intended, but on the album, you get a collective chorus of voices, which speaks to the community I was surrounded by.
“Just remember remember, you’re never alone.
Out of the ashes, phoenix has flown.”
Nellie - Track 4
My middle name is Nellie. It’s one of those things I always hated…I was bullied for it in school as there is a nursery rhyme called ‘Nellie the Elephant’. BUT the beauty of all of this is that when I decided to be open about my mental health journey, I came to peace with myself. ALL of me. My phobia, my name, my journey. All of it. Nellie is a vow to myself - to be honest, to be true to who I am, to be me. As I was meant to be.
The Way - Track 5
This one speaks to the kind of love that sees you through your darkest moments. About total acceptance. I have been so lucky to be loved really really well by two beautiful humans in my life. And this is for them and all the partners out there who accept us for who we are….ALL of who we are.
Bounce - Track 6
This is a warning. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in any kind of relationships (partners, friendships, family) that mess you around, turn you upside down and make you question who you are. Who make you question whether you are worthy. It’s about allowing yourself to walk away and start again. Finding who you are will give you the freedom to fly. You just have to say yes to YOU!
This is usually everyone else’s favorite track - so much more upbeat and fun! I loved singing it and recording it.
Sails - Track 7
I cowrote this with someone really special to me when I was in a really foggy place, and what we came up with gave me permission to dream. To long for things in life that I didn’t quite have a grasp on yet, but that I wanted more than anything. At this time it was healing and recovery. Living life to it’s fullest and feeling strong enough to fight for it. When I listen to it, I have so much gratitude for this period in my life and for the people in it.
Does any of this resonate with you? If so, let me know - I would love to hear from you.
Click on ‘Shop’ at the top of the page or click here to learn more about the album and send me a message if you are interested in purchasing one!
