This last 6 months have been so daunting. The end of something. The beginning of something. Transitions, transformations, changes, sadness, excitement and grief. I let go of something I had been trying to mend for a long time and what I didn’t realize is the knock on effect it would have in every area of my life. How disconnected my mind and body would feel, because my mind didn’t feel safe and my body knew it. Every time I found stillness, there was a bellowing that I didn’t want to listen to and although I loved yoga, it was something I found easy to let go of.
But as I began to find peace in the breaking, the mat started calling me back.
Yoga, for me, is standing still with your most authentic self, and coming back to that was so much harder than I thought. I had soooo many mental blocks. Like, for real - I’m talking weeks of agonizing over it. I showed up to the classes…and ran out again. But I continued exploring and kept trying and then, after a couple of months, I finally got there.
Here’s the 4 things that helped me return to the mat…
One: Reach out to an instructor you trust.
If you’re a returning yoga student, reach out to a yoga teacher you trust and talk through your fears. I am lucky enough to know a yoga instructor who was my life coach a couple of years ago, Katie Hill [Check out her work, here]. She is the one who introduced me to the Desire Map, who helped me through guilt issues from a previous relationship and got me through some really tough work transitions. More than that, she is someone I admire, someone who is non judgmental and truly cares for her community. So when I was struggling to get back to the idea of yoga, I reached out to her and asked for her advice. I told her that I’d tried to go and ended up in tears and I told her I didn’t want to get to the mat and fall apart, so I asked her what to do.
What she told me in the midst of that conversation changed my whole perspective on what yoga is.
When I told her I was afraid of breaking down, she said: “Girl. We all freaking cry on the mat. We sob. We snot. All of it. Your goal should be to let go on the mat.”
When I told her I was worried about getting there and not being able to do the practice, she said: “Most of the work is to STOP doing.”
When I told her that I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other, she told me: “Maddie. That’s all [yoga] is. One breath at a time. One breath. At a time.”
See, I always thought that being on the mat symbolized strength…but what our conversation taught me is that it actually symbolizes is showing up for yourself. Exactly as you are. One step, or breath, at a time.
Two: Do a little research and choose a class that truly fits your need.
There are all kinds of instructors out there. All types of yoga. All times of the day. In multiple studios. So do a little digging on their stories, on their environments, and backgrounds and find someone with similar values. Ask whoever’s there to greet you who runs the types of classes you like and try those. I wanted to go to a class by the woman I was referring to above, but felt a need to go earlier than her availability. The one I chose that night was being led by someone who was recommended to me by a friend. I wanted someone soulful, spiritual, grounding…who would envelop me in the spirituality of the practice. So I went to a guy who often partners with my previous life coach and it was awesome! Super grounding, guided, intentional.
And you know what? It was held in the ‘fire room’. Do you know what that means? The whole room was RED. Red paint, red lights, red curtains, red atmosphere. It was so beautiful and, while I know that is likely just coincidence, it felt like it was meant to be.
Three: Start small.
I tried to go to a yoga class multiple times. I showed up, I ate the vegan waffles (literally), I paid for an intro month, I decided to go home, I kept crying before going in the room, I failed over and over. So instead of beating myself up, I decided to give myself some compassion and start with a video I know. One that has truly been helpful to be in stressful situations. It’s the anxiety video that, if you have been following me, you will have seen in my posts and on my blog…I’ll put the link below. It’s only 20 minutes long. It’s low to the ground and it’s all about resetting your nervous system. So I did that instead. No-one watching, no-one judging and I knew I could do it. I started small. And it was a stepping stone to a bigger leap.
Four: Walk with compassion and let the emotion flow.
You are a human being. And you go through a lot on a daily basis, regardless if you struggle with your mental health or not. Between what we experience physically emotionally or mentally, it’s really easy to be hard on yourself. Every time I went to make a decision about yoga I would freeze. In the studio. On the mat. In my car. Just stopping in my tracks because I was afraid of what I would face on the mat. Being still. Looking inward…it can be painful. And when you’re going through a loss and grief anyway, it’s hard to get away from it at the best of times. In the weeks leading up to my first full class, I had literally broken down in Pick’n’Save, Target, Everly and at an apartment showing…so I was already tired of being ‘shown up’ publicly. All I can say is that once I found an environment in which I could have compassion for myself, those fears started melting away.
I accepted my emotions and they accepted me. And we walked into that room, and onto that mat, as partners.
I am so grateful to Katie, a mentor, gifted coach, soulful yoga instructor and all round beautiful soul. Find out more about her work at www.katie-hill.com.
If you have comments or questions, I would love to hear from you. Comment below with your thoughts, and what has maybe helped you in the past, or reach out to me directly at the ‘CONNECT’ tab at the top of the page.
