Welcome to The Oh Shit Kit! Our topic today is mental health during the holidays. If you feel less than totally excited about the prospect of the holiday season, you are not alone. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% percent of people with mental illnesses report that the holidays worsen their symptoms. There are a multitude of reasons for this including financial concerns, loneliness, pressure or unrealistic expectations from family members, memories of happier times in the past contrasting with the present, or the inability to be with loved ones. This all comes down to one big, bad, ugly word: Stress.
Stress can be caused by so many things, it’s hard to pinpoint even a short list of potential reasons. However, for most people we work with and speak to about this topic, holiday stress can be separated into three major categories:
1. I want to be with family but I can’t
2. I don’t want to be with my family but I feel like I have to
3. My family doesn’t want to be around me
Let’s start with the first one. Whether your family is far away, loved ones have passed on, or you’ve experienced rejection of some kind from your family, the holidays can feel like a pretty lonely time if you cannot be with family members.
For those with loving families who are too far away to be with, or for those who have experienced the loss of family members, creating your own holiday traditions can be a helpful way to lessen the blow of this difficult situation. For some, this means creating new traditions, whether those be alone or surrounded by friends. These can be holiday-related traditions, or maybe you would rather forget about it being the holidays and just do something you really enjoy. Think of it as the perfect time for some extra self-care, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe you buy yourself a gift, cook your favorite meal, spend some quality time with your pet(s), enjoy taking yourself to the movies (yes, they are open on holidays), or create an at-home spa day. Whatever will make you feel good and provide a distraction from the loss of time with your family.
The prospect of spending time with family members who we don’t want to be with can be just as distressing as spending the holidays alone. This is where BOUNDARIES are going to be extra important. Sit down and take some time to think and write about your boundaries for the holidays. First, are you willing to see the family members who trigger you? Remember, you do not owe your time or energy to anyone, and the only people who get angry about you having boundaries are the people who benefit from you having none. To quote the beautiful and miraculous creature that is Brene Brown, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”. You are allowed to do exactly what you need to do to take care of your number one, and that has to be YOU.
Often, deciding if we will spend time with family members who trigger us involves choosing between two fairly shitty options: either I set my boundaries and avoid being triggered, knowing that they will come at me for it; or, I grin and bear the family reunion knowing that it will trigger me. Ultimately, the choice is up to you, and you can weigh the pros and cons of your particular situation. However, keep in mind that you have a right to your boundaries, and ask yourself “what is the worst thing that could happen if these people get angry at me?” Whatever you decide, you will need some extra self-care to deal with the stress of this decision and it’s potential aftermath. Plan accordingly, and be ready with your mental health toolkit.
For some, family rejection may have occurred, and you may not be invited to your family events. This rejection can be based on a multitude of factors, but does tend to be particularly common among members of the LGBTQIA community. Family rejection hurts all the time, but the holidays can be a big pile of salt in this painful wound. If you are experiencing family rejection, know that there are resources available to you. Reach out to others in your community, and consider attending a public holiday event if you would like to be surrounded by other people. Consider celebrating with friends, or make this a day of self-care for yourself. Whatever you do on the holidays themselves, be sure to reach out for support around this time. Working with a therapist and finding online or in-person community support groups can be a great way to do this. Remember, you are not broken simply because the people who were meant to love you unconditionally screwed up their most important job: loving you.
TOOLS
Spend the holidays doing something you enjoy, even if it isn’t a “typical” holiday tradition. This can be ordering food, buying yourself a gift, spending time with friends, or pampering yourself at home. Whatever self-care feels good to you.
Know that you’re not alone, even if you’ve been rejected by your family. Look for community events or find online support groups so you can have support from others. Or, make your friends your family, and celebrate with the people you’ve chosen.
Set clear boundaries. You have a right to say “no” to spending the holidays with people who trigger you. Sit down and think about what your boundaries are. Whether that means being clear on what you are okay with when you’re around family, or just saying “no” to being around family altogether. It’s okay if other people get angry because you decide to set boundaries.
CITATIONS
https://www.nami.org/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2014/Mental-health-and-the-holiday-blues