Man I just cannot believe some of the statistics I'm hearing. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US and it's predicted that 20% of the UK population will experience suicidal feelings in their lifetime and of those...6.7% of people will take action to end their lives. Suicide is now the second highest cause of death amongst teenagers in the US and I read an article that said more police officers now die of suicide than they do on active duty.
This just breaks my heart.
It's time for me to get deeper into mental health with you guys. I don't want to preach one way of getting help, but if my goal is to be a go to platform for people who are struggling with mental health, then I have to prioritize talking about some of the bigger ways you can get help.
First topic of choice for me is therapy.
Full disclosure...I am writing from a position of privilege here. The following is assuming you have access to choose and the funds to do it. I do know that a ton of you are going to be more limited in the options and funds you have to tackle some of these issues. Maybe you're in England and the waiting list is really long. Or maybe you're in the US and you don't have healthcare. Just so you know, I went through the NHS (British National Health Service) first and was rejected for therapy so I had no choice but to go private. I came from a really low income family and we thankfully figured out how to make it work together. But for any of you that doesn't feel like the below are current options for you, I will post some different posts on what to do as you wait or alternatives. Bare with me. You can also submit your questions to me via the connect tab at the top.
But for now, for those of you who have the option and access, here's some advice from me on how to navigate therapy.
What's your motivation?
When I was 18 years old, I hadn't left my house for 3 months and I was so tired of feeling anxious all the time. So I walked into my living room and I just said one sentence to my Mum...I need help. She called therapists and set me up with my first therapist the next day. I made a choice to get through my exams first. I was already working with my boyfriend and teachers to do the work and I was doing well. I didn't want to disturb that. I was so anxious I had to take my exams away from the rest of my peers in a private room. But I got through it and once my exams were over, I had 3 months to get to University. This was terrifying but I had been striving to get to University my whole life and I wanted to make it there. And even more so...I wasn't living. I wasn't saying yes. I was closed off. I was developing OCD to cope. I didn't know how to relax. Everyone was so wonderful and supportive but they were also pandering to me and protecting me and I felt like a victim. I wanted to live my life and give myself a chance at really living. This was my stake. I knew I had to go or else, I wouldn't live a full life.
Because of those sessions, I learnt how to give myself compassion, I got to University and I managed to get through all the trials of someone living away for the first time. I traveled. I lived. I couldn't have done this without my incredible therapist, Kathy and I will be forever grateful.
What is the one thing you would love to do in your life that your struggle is holding you back from? What do you want to overcome? It doesn't have to be huge...but knowing what your stake is can really help.
It's ok to interview and try a few.
I've been working in real estate for 3 and a half years now and if there's one thing I've learnt and I tell anyone who asks for advice on choosing an agent, it's to shop around. Ask the tough questions and it's the same with therapists! How much experience do you have with people who struggle with my specific mental health struggle? How long have you been in the business? What are your credentials? Get really curious. But also, listen to your gut feeling. Does this feel like a good fit?
I'll be honest with you, I've had a pretty good run with therapists and coaches. But I have also had a couple of baaaad interviews. I hate when therapists make it about the money upfront and won't even get curious and get to know you before asking you to commit to 12 sessions. It's like...ok I get you wanna get paid but I have to at least trust you first. It's such a turn off. The therapists that I've loved make it about YOU. They care about YOU. Not your bank balance. I truly believe this because if you find someone that you LOVE and gives you HOPE, you can often find a way to make it happen.
Just remember, if you find someone you don't like, don't give up! Try someone else. Know that the good guys are out there.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again.
One of the most common things that people say to me is this..."yeah I tried therapy once. It didn't go well...I didn't like the way they talked about...". And I always ask back..."did you tell them what you felt wasn't working?" Most of the time it's a "nahhhh...I just figured it wasn't for me..."and I'm like alright we gotta talk!
Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, is going to work if you don't give your therapist a chance and tell them the things you are frustrated with, anxious about...even angry about. In my second session with my current therapist, Leah, I walked out feeling hopeless. I felt defeated and didn't want to go back. But I knew from experience all I had to do was be open. And the next time I saw her I told her that. She listened, gave me empathy and told me that I wouldn't leave feeling like that again. And I haven't. It's been 2 and a half years now.
Look here's the thing...human beings make mistakes. Therapists are human beings...need I say more? They will inevitably screw up or say the wrong thing...but it's up to YOU to say hey...I'm really concerned about how I felt in our last session. I can guarantee you that you won't grow if you are closed off to your therapist. Your relationship with your therapist is going to grow in the same way as any relationship would. Sometimes those relationships won't work out and that's fine too. But open communication is the best way to give it the best shot...and you DESERVE that.
Don't expect it to be roses and relief all the time.
I know that this seems a bit obvious, but I want to stress that yes, the therapist is there to help you, heal you, help you grow, process what's happening and finding other ways of programming your brain. But it will not always be easy. Facing the tough stuff is going to be REALLY DAMN HARD. You're facing your fears. Facing your demons.
Not every session is going to be full of epic transformation. Sometimes it's going to be thick with ruin. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in her Book Eat, Pray, Love...."Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"...and she is sooo right. When you're in it and are struggling with it, know you aren't alone. I have been there too. I have felt triggered and vulnerable and lost. It's ok to be there. But know that I came out of it, and you can too.
So, from all of this, here’s what I would suggest…go at least 3 times. 3 sessions is long enough for you to get a feel for the therapist, get to know each other, enough time for you to give feedback and enough time for you to see how the process is going to work. Any less than that, you aren’t giving yourself a good enough chance of really seeing if it’s going to work.
This barely scratches the surface of the content and stories I have on this topic but I promise you there will be more more more on these topics as time moves forward. For now...
If you have been in therapy before, what other tips would you give to readers out there considering it? Tell me in the comments below!
