Date yourself first. This is a quote I’ve seen doing the rounds on the internet over the last couple of years. Not so very long ago, there was a time when I dreaded being in my own company. I didn’t remember what I liked anymore, what brought me joy or what felt good - and to be clear here, I’m talking about those things away from work or a partner… I didn’t know how I liked spending time with ME. I remember speaking to my therapist about this while we were trying to work through some of my shit and she asked me ”have you ever dated yourself?”… I was like… um nooooo. Nope and quite honestly, that feels kind of weird. Who else here would think that might feel a bit strange?
HOWEVER dating myself is actually one of my most favorite things to do. One of THE most important lessons I have learnt in my therapy journey is this: it is of paramount importance that you truly get to know yourself. That you make space for discovery. That you find out what you love and what feels good, and that you show up for yourself in this way over and over again so you are creating a life you want, rather than just falling into one you think you ought to have.
I know it’s such a cliche to hear the phrase “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself first”. Well what I’m proposing is that knowing yourself and dating yourself trumps loving others on the totem pole of all things important for a number of reasons.
We get busy and forget that we are ALIVE and we get to experience AMAZING THINGS. Anyone else get sucked into the sweet mundane and forget to actually consciously LIVE? Creating a new habit with yourself can feed into all your other relationships as well, creating a much richer living experience.
We change over time - getting to know yourself is a lifetime adventure. As you grow and change, the things you love and love doing might shift and change. Dating yourself regularly allows you space to decide what you want to keep in and weed out from your life.
There is magic in the stillness of our own minds. Those chasms are filled with ideas and creativity and voices that we often push down to take care of others… Especially as women. Dating yourself gives you space to get creative, think and set yourself free from those chains. Even just for an hour at a time.
It’s ok to invest in what feels good. So often we waste our money away on things we don’t really need or want and don’t invest in the things that feel good because we feel guilt or shame for doing so. Dating yourself gives you a little permission to do what you want to do, without asking anyone but yourself for permission.
When you’re dating yourself, what you decide to do might be completely different than dates you might go on with a partner. In fact I would encourage them to be! These are all about you so don’t be shy to try something new. Here are a few of my fave dates to take myself on…
Heading to Barnes and Noble with a $25/$50/$100 budget, an intention and time to read whatever I buy in the cafe for an hour. I LOVE BOOKS. I love them. And I love going into Barnes and Noble. It’s been a place I’ve found so much solace and peace in over the past few years. When I’m on a date with myself, I make sure to set an intention. I spend just a couple minutes in my car thinking abut an area in my life I would like to find more joy. Then when I’m browsing, I look for content that directly pertains to that area. It’s something I budget for, there’s no panic about timelines, or getting out before someone else gets bored. It’s just me, my intention and the books. Perfection.
When it comes to really getting to know myself, finding space to create is another way that I like to date myself. It’s often in this particular space that I uncover the hard, painful things that need to be brought to light, usually through some kind of a painting, a song, a poem, an origami crane. The act of making heals. And when paired with the perfect music and bottle of my fave sparkling water, it makes for a perfect date.
This one is super decadent, but I love going away to Chicago overnight to my fave kooky hotel and spending time in my favorite restaurant nearby - eating stracciatella ice cream and chowing down on a decadent cheeseboard with some sparkling wine. I usually take a book, but often I’m too engrossed in the food and surroundings to actually read. Also has anyone seen that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie Bradshaw ends by taking herself out for a glass of wine with no armor? She has no books or distractions… Just her own company. That’s how I often do it.
Celebrations at Anthropologie. We all have that one store we love, right? Anthropologie has been that store for me for years. I love the style, the aesthetics, the smell. Everything about it. So when I’m celebrating something, I will take myself to Hilldale in Madison and go and browse the store. I don’t buy anything unless it truly speaks to me, but I love the feeling of walking, getting inspired by the fashion and fabrics in a place I find so healing!
What would you do on a date with yourself?! Where would you go? What would you invest in? What would the soundtrack be?! Tell me in the comments below!
