A Year Of Transformation
2019 was a year of complete transformation for me. I mean…total transformation. Like, my life at the beginning of the year looks nothing like the end of it. I didn’t get a chance to send out a Christmas Card this year. But having found so much alignment and fulfillment in being open about my journey, it made sense for me to bring 2019 to a close here at She Be Red! So here are my lessons from 2019.
It Began With Loss
I left my marriage after a couple of years of fighting for it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Any separation is difficult. You have to let go of a vision and a life you had pictured for yourself. Ending a marriage I had moved across the world for was monumentally challenging for me as I realized that had shut down from my family and many friends. It turns out that love is not the fairytale I once thought it to be and as a consequence I dealt with a grief bigger than just one person. I had to let go of an ideal, learn how to connect with myself again and then, with others. It began with regret and the depths of depression. I lost myself for a while and tried a bunch of stuff people do when they are usually in their teens. I think it lead some people to question if I was being true to myself, but I’m ok with it. I met some amazing people and said yes to a bunch of new things, and then found myself again. I have learnt that keeping an open heart is one of the hardest, yet most important things we can do as human beings. My advice? Find friends who are family, allow yourself to let your hair down and lose yourself, then piece by piece, come back to who you know you are by following the joy.
I Found A New Home
I moved in with Mandi and Leora (my podcast co-host) - incredible friends. Through them I found a new family here in Madison, a home where me (in my fully broken state) AND my two cats were welcomed into the family. As I write this, their dog Jordie is sleeping less than a foot away from my cat Luna at the bottom of the bed. One of the greatest lessons I took from farm life was the healing energy of animals. We do joke that Mandi and Leora have stolen my cat Bailey, who prefers to sleep in bed with them and that their dog Jordie has chosen me, because she chooses to sleep downstairs in the basement with me, (regardless if she meets a closed or open door). But truly, the animals seem to go where they are needed most. I wasn’t just welcomed into their home. I was welcomed into their family. They have been my confidants, included me in every holiday without batting an eyelid, and they are the only two people I know who love cheese board and horror movie nights as much as I do. The reality of living with your business partner who has a completely different work style to you is that you need to take space, and have hard open conversations BUT we got through it and we now have a great work and life flow.
I also went home and spent some real quality time with my family, especially with my Mum. She helped me process some of the things I had gone through and we finally got the bond back we had both been missing over the last few years. I decided that America felt like my home, at least for now, but that doesn’t mean that my connections with family have to be any different. You just need to put the effort in and be willing to be vulnerable in a different way. What did I learn? Home isn’t necessarily a place, but a feeling found in the people who allow you to show up as your full selves.
I Aligned My Work With My Purpose
One of the challenges that the grieving process of my marriage brought me was new panic attacks which hands down made this year the 2nd hardest of my entire life. They came suddenly, out of nowhere, and with side effects that were triggers for my other mental health challenges. Needless to say, it was a bit of a mess. With these new attacks came new experiences within the framework of mental health that I could not ignore, and so I had to make some huge changes to facilitate healing. Every choice I made since those attacks were geared towards fighting stigma, healing my body and therefore finding alignment in my life. Instead of hiding my mental health challenges, I now embrace them as a companion worthy of compassion and light.
First came the mental health podcast “The Oh Shit Kit” which I co-host with my friend and licensed therapist, Leora. This gave me a forum where I was able to talk about mental health topics that seem so hidden in society, and because of this, it became a vessel through which I could heal. Actively and openly, radical self love and radical vulnerability have filtered through into the rest of my life…I now have friendships rich with honesty, vulnerability and true connection. I now am open and connected with my family back in England as I don’t feel shame about my challenges and am therefore more forthcoming in my communication. And my mental health work now appears openly on all my profiles, resumes and portfolios.
I have also finally found congruence in my work as a whole, as I was finally able to quit my desk job and work fully independently as a marketing consultant through my business, Nella Marketing LLC. I am a content artist, an advocacy artist and visual storyteller, encouraging others to be vulnerable in their businesses, working with clients in everything from real estate and property management, to therapy and puzzling. The most important transformation that working home has brought me? My life is now set up to embrace my mental health challenges, so I can make space for healing while continuing to follow my ambition.
Community and Love
Love has appeared in all shapes and sizes. I have a community of incredible women from my local Zumba group who have become a second family. It’s rich with a diverse, hilarious group of people of all ages and backgrounds who aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves and accept each other exactly as they are. To give you some context into this group, I met an incredibly generous psychologist who donated his time to teach me mental health coping skills, a friend who let me live with her for free for 4 months after leaving my marriage, a friend who invited me over to her house for a hug and wine upon learning about my new panic attacks, and countless others who show up whenever one of us in need.
Love has also appeared in the animals I have bonded with, the Englishman at Barnes and Nobles who showed me kindness when I fell apart in the poetry section, in Bao - my favorite beautician at Sephora who taught me how to take care of my skin and finally, in the wonderful colleagues I met at my most recent desk job, who worked with me to ensure I was supported properly while I managed my panic attacks.
I am also really excited to say that I have also met someone. It’s still new and scary but she’s also given me hope for a future that I didn’t believe I deserved and I plan to soak up every minute of it.
What did I learn here? That the kind of love you want will show up once you decide you are worthy of it. ALSO the universe listens…you just have to get really clear on what to ask for.
So overall…
2019 was a difficult year full of pain and transformation and I’ve been in some of the darkest places of my life, and yet…it gave me a chance at a different life, one that’s focused on healing, alignment and true connection…and that’s definitely something to be grateful for.
Top Songs of 2019
